
Category: Living


Serenity is a Skill You Can Learn
What is “Calm”?
Serenity Now!

Thought Before Action

Building Your Emotional Vocabulary
How is your emotional vocabulary? Do you struggle to find the right word to describe how you are feeling? You are not alone!
Understand Your Emotional Fluency
As I posted earlier, I went to a counselor to get some insight into my feeling of disconnection from those around me, which I thought was based on experiences from my childhood. In conversation with him, we discussed how I expressed my emotions to others. It turns out my ability to express what I was feeling was restricted to 5 or 6 feelings! What I needed was to expand my ability to express my emotional state, and so improve my emotional intelligence.
It turns out men are not trained to be as emotionally descriptive as women. Most men use the same basic descriptors of their emotions when expressing them. The most common being sad, happy, angry, afraid, surprised and disgusted. Most women have access to many more terms to more accurately describe how they feel. Just as some of us men are color-blind, many of us find ourselves floundering to state our actual feelings, a sort of emotional blindness. Women are encouraged to “feel” much more openly as they grow – the end result is they are far more skilled at emotional fluency than men.
The Vocabulary Wheel
What we need is a way to become more fluent in the language of emotion! My counselor shared a tool he uses to help people work on their emotional vocabulary – English teacher Kaitlin Robbs’s wheel. This wheel starts in the middle with basic emotions (like what I was used to using) and expands outwards, giving us more accurate words to describe our feelings.

These detailed synonyms are extremely helpful in expanding your fluency. They certainly helped me move from “I’m happy” and “I’m sad” to more accurate descriptions.
Exercise your Emotions!
I use this wheel to find alternative words to use in posts, articles, and conversation. It is a great tool for fresh writing, and a must-have to build your emotional vocabulary. If you are interested in emotional intelligence at all, this is a great place to start.
Are there other tools you have come across to help express your feelings?
Photo by Austin Mabe on Unsplash

Thoughts on Being a Man
I was at a wedding recently and watched a friend of mine walk his daughter down the aisle. One of the most touching moments was the father-daughter dance at the reception. I thought to myself “What a great guy, and what an impressive example of how to be a man”. I wrote recently about respect being a key to a great relationship, and I started thinking about what it takes to be a man today. Here are a few of the things that come to mind, when I reflect on the guys I know and respect.
Be Respectful
Every man I know who I admire presents respect for those they encounter. In every act, they demonstrate that they value the other person. Whether that is their spouse, child, friend or a stranger. Speak directly, without any hint of condescension. Consider the day the other person is having, and attempt to put yourself in their shoes.
Being manly does not mean you need to be a dick to others. Quite the reverse. First, you need to respect yourself; then you can fully respect others.
Be Humble
Nothing is more of a turn-off to another person than to be confronted with someone who comes off as superior. Ask yourself if you do any of these things:
- Talk a lot without being prompted
- Complain about stuff on social media
- Never ask how the other person is doing
- Display strong opinions on any subject, regardless of your familiarity with it
- Constantly talk about your accomplishments and future plans
- Refuse to enter a conversation with a person who does not share your views
If you do, you may need to examine how you perceive others, you may be looking at others as an audience, rather than equal participants in life. Take a breath. Try and have a conversation, rather than preach. Ask opinions.
Be Strong
Being decisive is one way to be strong. Offer an opinion, but be willing to change it if logic or circumstances make it more desirable. Don’t be afraid to argue a point, healthy debate is part of learning and growing.
More importantly, being strong means being there for others. Be “The Rock” for them! (As much as I admire Dwayne Johnson, you can be a strong guy without rocking those pipes!). Sit on the floor and hug your spouse when they cry. Hold someone’s hand. Give a firm handshake.
Have Fun
The worst thing any man can do is take himself too seriously. The ability to laugh at life and yourself gives you a chance to step back and appreciate just how much of a gift your life is, and the lives of others. Having a sense of humor lets you free your soul occasionally. Nothing is as healthy as a great laugh.
Spend time with the people you love – even if it is a morning cup of coffee with your partner. Tell jokes, bad puns, and tell stories.
Be Open
The most critical trait of being a modern “real” man is to be emotionally open. If you are angry, accept it and don’t make it personal. If you love someone, you’d better let them know! You don’t need to wander around with Kleenex stuck up your sleeve – it is more about being open to experiencing all emotions. The days of the clichéd “man as stoic” not showing any emotion are over. You are allowed to smile, frown, laugh, cry – pretty much anything goes (as long as you don’t go too over the top).
Please leave a comment below with your thoughts on what it takes to be a man these days!
Photo by Dustin Scarpitti on Unsplash
UPDATED: I originally referred to men who put themselves first and don’t have a sense of humor in a negative fashion. I fell into the trap of categorizing people, which I appreciate is the opposite viewpoint of what I am talking about here. I’ve removed that categorization.
To learn more about being open, check out the post on emotional vocabulary.

Life is a Precious Privilege
Heading to a wedding today, reflecting on what a great journey life can be. Life truly is a precious gift. Enjoy!

The Weight of Your Personal Versions
As a guy who spent years building software, I am thoroughly familiar with the concept of software versions. We’d make changes to software, and compile “versions” of it for release when it was ready. I had no idea that the same versioning concept could also represent our own experiences and personality!
A few years back, I was experiencing a feeling of emotional disconnection, and would occasionally find myself becoming short with my partner for no apparent reason. We had trouble talking, and I would find myself withdrawing from any emotional conversation with her. So not healthy!
I decided I’d get some counseling, to see if I could come to grips with what was currently going on in my life. I figured some of my early experiences and traumas must still be affecting me, even though I thought I’d dealt with it all.
Before going to the first session, I decided I would try and get a chronicle of my early years written down – but had no idea just how difficult this turned out to be! I started with a blank notebook page, and listed all the places I’d lived 20 or so before the age of 20), schools I’d attended (13 in 12 years), and major events I could remember.
It turned out I had huge gaps in my memory and needed to start working on a computer to edit the chronicle as memories came back. It was such a strange exercise in the end. Even now, a few years later, things come back to me. What was causing that blank spot? I think it was a defense mechanism kicking in, effectively a mind-fog.
When I got to the first counseling session, I gave my counselor a piece of paper with a short version of the major things that had gone on in my life. It listed experiences of abandonment, emotional disconnection, sexual abuse, and a bunch more. I thought it was a pretty good start on figuring out what was going on in my head.
The first thing he asked after reading it: “Is this person still you, or do you think you’ve moved on to be someone else?”
It floored me! It turns out my issues with feelings of disconnection with my spouse were more related to the emotional vocabulary I was using, and not decades old dramas (more on that in another post). Suddenly a weight came off my shoulders. I had been carrying around an outdated different version of myself for years! I had not realized that it was no longer a version of “me” that I needed to keep.
Sure, I still visit once in a while, and there are still some incredibly painful memories that come up from time to time. But now I find I can face them more readily, and look at them through the filter of distance.
Recognizing and cleaning up the versions of yourself that you’re carrying around can be a life-altering experience. True, we are the sum of our experiences, but that version changes over time. As I read the Zen Koan “Muddy Road” I can see how the weight of those different versions can weigh you down. By recognizing that those versions of us exist and that we are carrying them around, we can start pushing them away from our daily responses to life. That way lies a less burdened life.
Have you ever experienced anything like this personal versioning? Have you dealt with it or are you still carrying around that weight? Tell me about it in the comments!
Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash
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Be Yourself
“Be Yourself” by Audioslave
Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
She finally drift away
Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
Catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave
And be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
Someone finds salvation in everyone
Another only pain
Someone tries to hide themself
Down inside himself he prays
Someone swears their true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
separate or united?
Healthy or insane?
And be yourself is all that you can do (all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can do (all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can do (all that you can do)
Be yourself is all that you can do
Even when you’ve paid enough
Been pulled apart
Or been held up
Every single memory of
The good or bad, faces of love
Don’t lose any sleep tonight
I’m sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose
But to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do (all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can do (all that you can do)
To be yourself is all that you can
Be yourself is all that you can
Be yourself is all that you can do

Engaging With the World

There is Always Hope
When you feel you’ve had enough, remember that the sun will always come up. Even your best (or worst) efforts cannot prevent that progression.

Respect is The Key To Love
Jerry: We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we’re kids. We’re not men.
Kramer: So, then you asked yourselves, “Isn’t there something more to life?”
Jerry: Yes. We did.
Kramer: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn’t.
Jerry: There isn’t?
Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry:? Marriage? Family?
Jerry: Well…
Kramer: They’re prisons. Man made prisons. You’re doing time. You get up in the morning. She’s there. You go to sleep at night. She’s there. It’s like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you’re eating.
Jerry: I can?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it’s dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don’t know. How about you? How was your day?
Jerry: Boy.
Kramer: It’s sad , Jerry. It’s a sad state of affairs..
Jerry: I’m glad we had this talk.
Kramer: Oh, you have no idea!