Life on Reflection
To be this age, in this time
STUCK in-side/in-self
How many things lost:
time, experience, life (stolen)
Work is done, play on hold:
life diminished
I’m looking for (re)growth
Is this a gift?
(over) a year spent recovering
reconnecting
rediscovering
recovering my peace
reconnecting to MY self
rediscovering the love around me
The work is this new life
Not life lost but experienced
finding joy in solitude
exhuming peace from frustration
exploring self, in my lover’s eyes
UNSTUCK
This is a guest post, graciously allowed by its author, Paige Woodbury. Her willingness to share her relationship with her inner self is inspiring. To see it on her personal blog, I have included the link here.
A pinch from the inside,
a small pull at the thread,
that sense comes creeping in.
No control, not even of flesh,
twisted into knots and stuck standing stiff, heavy, unsure.
Pulling at my hair, begging for the ground –
the rock.
I wonder.
My mind has taken me this far, how far can it go?
Can I carry this rock with me up a steep hill?
Every hill?
Do I push, do I pull?
How far can the body and mind stretch and bend?
If I change,
what will come of this life of trails that I’ve carved?
My familiarity, nostalgia, dug deep into the forest floor of my mind.
mossy, musty, heavy-hearted,
dirt.
How do I make way for light?
To tap into the abyss and knock out darkness,
when it is weighed ten times more.
With darkness do you cradle it, comfort it,
assume the role of mother?
Do you belittle it?
Break it down and bully it?
A torturous goal it is, to create like this.
To challenge and question.
I’m sure one day I’ll hear the voice,
chiming in “you’re alright, keep going”.
And I’ll be partners with my darkness, carrying it alongside me,
I’ll create, and live, despite it.
I’m sure.
One day I’ll find the beauty in my darkness,
the rock.
– P. W.
Freeing yourself from your own constraints is the first step toward living your true life. You can never be truly at peace until you find peace with yourself.
I read an article last week that charted changes in Canadian life expectancy since 1921. If I had been born in that year, the odds are good that I would already be dead. The average life expectancy of a person born in 1921 was 57, a milestone I reached last year.
By the time I was born, in 1960, life expectancy had grown to 70 years, and now, a child born in Canada can expect to live to be in their mid-eighties. What a fantastic gift that is. Continue reading “The Gift of Time”
I believe my spouse is so much better at understanding and describing how relationships work than I. The fact that I am aware of that may be the key to our compatibility over 25 years.
Last night we were talking about relationships, as one of our daughters enters a new one after several years of single life. I wondered out loud what makes people compatible, despite being entirely different personalities. I used our relationship as an example.
My partner, as is their gift, got straight to the “meat” of it.
“We know what little things drive each other crazy, and we avoid doing those things around each other. We care about, and are aware of, who we each are and what makes us happy.”
What an excellent example of what can make being together either stress-free or intolerable. The simple act of being aware of each other can make all the difference. Continue reading “Being Aware: Compatibility’s Key”
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
– Mahatma Gandhi
One of my favourite comedians, Jim Jefferies, has a straightforward rule about being a decent human being: “Try not to be a cunt, and if you do that every day, you’ll be a good person.” (link to video)
Crude, but perfectly valid advice.
You cannot expect to learn morals from outside of your own experience. They must be absorbed by observing your role models, parents, peers, and personalities you encounter. Once absorbed, you need to process those impressions into what your choices will say about you.
Most people look to religion to get their moral compass bearings, which is a valid start. Christian’s Sunday school, Muslim Koran readings, Buddhist teachings, they all point to methods to determine what is right and wrong. But it is dangerous to rely strictly on external sources to inform decisions. So many millions have been marginalized, discriminated against or killed just because of strict interpretations of ancient words – which mean vastly different things in today’s more complex world.
Instead, as you grow up you should start taking your moral bearings from within. Once you’re past 6 years old, relying on someone else to tell you right from wrong is avoiding your responsibility as a human being.
As a mental experiment, imagine if every word you said was tattooed on your skin – would you speak any differently to those about you? What is impressive is that every person has that capability – to just be a decent person by attempting to treat everyone else respectfully.
We are all exposed to social media that captures people behaving badly: racial insults at a cashier, road rage, fights at Walmart, politicians denying sexual abuse charges. It seems like an endless parade of people behaving like they’ve forgotten what those early lessons in right and wrong were teaching. All to the point where we become desensitized to the pervasiveness of questionable behaviour.
So a challenge: we all have the power to be the light of reason in someone else’s life, as long as we follow a path that fits with our moral compass. Do that, and as Jim Jefferies says, “you’ll be a good person.”
You might also like: Zen Koan 45: Right & Wrong
I read and follow a LOT of self-help content on leadership. By the sheer volume (200,659 results for “leadership” on Amazon alone, for example), you might be inclined to think that you can read a few books and become a successful team leader.
You may be the exception if you can. Ideally, you should first examine your own leadership experience, style, and responses. Otherwise, you may end up in a position where others are depending on you to lead, and you are incapable of doing so. I’ve seen many well-meaning, but incompetent people completely derail a team.
There are three traits you should examine, as you look at how effective a leader you may (or may not) be:
By assessing how you follow each of these three traits, you can determine where your leadership skills need work.
“If you think service is beneath you, then leadership is definitely beyond you.”
I wrote earlier about the two types of leaders I have experienced: directors and guides. While a this is a valid analysis, we can push it even further. We should consider those grey areas that exist on the “Goal versus Team” scale. This scale goes from “Hit the Target at All Costs” to “Create an Amazing Team.” The result is a leader who either burns out the team achieving the goal or misses the goal but has a great group.
More effective leaders place themselves in a service role first. They coach, develop, and guide the team to the point where achieving the target is not only possible, it serves the goals of the team members. Bullying, cajoling and browbeating your team is not motivation, it is a trait of a weak leader. You do not need to fawn over the team members. Basing your success on how much the team likes you is not a valid measure of your leadership. You can be a strong leader in building a strong team that naturally achieves the goal.
The key here is that you build your team via the individual building blocks that are its members. Each one has unique strengths, weaknesses, and abilities. By paying more attention to developing each person’s contribution, you create a culture of shared goals and group achievement.
“If you feel you are always the right person for the job, you are not a real leader.”
Stepping in at the right time is a crucial trait of leadership. But so is stepping back out! If you insist on being heard all the time, it merely means you are seeking recognition.
I’ve seen a lot of potential leaders over-direct their squad, like a hockey coach that tries to fix a poor performance by switching the lines up too much. The result is a fractured, frustrated group.
You run the risk of being seen as brusque, bossy, and an attention-seeker if you continually take command. When a firm decision MUST be made, that is the time to step up.
Assess each situation. Are you required to step up and take charge? Is a situation best suited to another team member’s strengths? Is a consensus needed, rather than an edict from above?
“Uninformed action is like diving into a shallow pond: the results can be disastrous.”
We’ve all seen the boss that works more extended hours than anyone else. They fire off more memos, emails and useless blather around the team. They are confusing action with leadership: believing that intense activity will create team cohesion and success. In fact, they distract from the well-informed business that achieves the goals of the team. I talked about the importance of “Thought before Action” in a previous post.
What’s worse, they mirror that constant push for activity onto the team. If it you are not working as hard as the boss, your performance review will reflect it.
Effective action is the last step in the process of patient observation. Seeing all potential pitfalls, opportunities and effects of a proposed action are far more critical than acting at random. Real leaders listen more than they talk, and think more than they do. Chasing after work to look busy is likely to end in missed goals, a burnt out team, and a reputation for lack of focus.
Being a real leader takes more than these three essential traits. But they provide a simple first step toward understanding your leadership style. Natural leaders do exist. But they must first achieve a level of self-awareness that lets them see within.
You must understand your inner motivations, strengths, and weaknesses. That awareness is a prerequisite to understanding and leading others.
Photo by Stuart Vivier on Unsplash
