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5. If You Love, Love Openly

Twenty monks and one nun, who was named Eshun, were practicing meditation with a certain Zen master.

Eshun was very pretty even though her head was shaved and her dress plain. Several monks secretly fell in love with her. One of them wrote her a love letter, insisting upon a private meeting.

Eshun did not reply. The following day the master gave a lecture to the group, and when it was over, Eshun arose. Addressing the one who had written her, she said: “If you really love me so much, come and embrace me now.”

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

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learning

4. Obedience

The master Bankei’s talks were attended not only by Zen students but by persons of all ranks and sects. He never quoted sutras nor indulged in scholastic dissertations. Instead, his words were spoken directly from his heart to the hearts of his listeners.

His large audiences angered a priest of the Nichiren sect because the adherents had left to hear about Zen. The self-centered Nichiren priest came to the temple, determined to debate with Bankei.

“Hey, Zen teacher!” he called out. “Wait a minute. Whoever respects you will obey what you say, but a man like myself does not respect you. Can you make me obey you?”

“Come up beside me and I will show you,” said Bankei.

Proudly the priest pushed his way through the crowd to the teacher.

Bankei smiled. “Come over to my left side.”

The priest obeyed.

“No,” said Bankei, “we may talk better if you are on the right side. Step over here.”

The priest proudly stepped over to the right.

“You see,” observed Bankei, “you are obeying me and I think you are a very gentle person. Now sit down and listen.”

Photo by Marcos Luiz on Unsplash

View All 101 Zen Koans

is that so

3. Is That So?

The Zen master Hakuin was praised by his neighbors as one living a pure life.

A beautiful Japanese girl whose parents owned a food store lived near him. Suddenly, without any warning, her parents discovered she was with child.

This made her parents very angry. She would not confess who the man was but after much harassment at last named Hakuin.

In great anger, the parents went to the master. “Is that so?” was all he would say.

After the child was born it was brought to Hakuin. By this time he had lost his reputation, which did not trouble him, but he took very good care of the child. He obtained milk from his neighbors and everything else the little one needed.

A year later the girl-mother could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth – that the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fishmarket.

The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask his forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back again.

Hakuin was willing. In yielding the child, all he said was: “Is that so?”

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View All 101 Zen Koans

zen - a cup of tea

1. A Cup of Tea

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!”

“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

Photo by Cole Hutson on Unsplash

You might also like Thoughts on Being a Man and Zen and the Art of Learning

View All 101 Zen Koans

zen - diamond on a muddy road

2. Finding a Diamond on a Muddy Road

Gudo was the emperor’s teacher of his time. Nevertheless, he used to travel alone as a wandering mendicant. Once when he was on his way to Edo, the cultural and political center of the shogunate, he approached a little village named Takenaka. It was evening and a heavy rain was falling. Gudo was thoroughly wet. His straw sandals were in pieces. At a farmhouse near the village, he noticed four or five pairs of sandals in the window and decided to buy some dry ones.

The woman who offered him the sandals, seeing how wet he was, invited him in to remain for the night in her home. Gudo accepted, thanking her. He entered and recited a sutra before the family shrine. He was then introduced to the women’s mother, and to her children. Observing that the entire family was depressed, Gudo asked what was wrong.

“My husband is a gambler and a drunkard,” the housewife told him. “When he happens to win he drinks and becomes abusive. When he loses he borrows money from others. Sometimes when he becomes thoroughly drunk he does not come home at all. What can I do?”

“I will help him,” said Gudo. “Here is some money. Get me a gallon of fine wine and something good to eat. Then you may retire. I will meditate before the shrine.”

When the man of the house returned about midnight, quite drunk, he bellowed: “Hey, wife, I am home. Have you something for me to eat?”

“I have something for you,” said Gudo. “I happened to be caught in the rain and your wife kindly asked me to remain here for the night. In return I have bought some wine and fish, so you might as well have them.”

The man was delighted. He drank the wine at once and laid himself down on the floor. Gudo sat in meditation beside him.

In the morning when the husband awoke he had forgotten about the previous night. “Who are you? Where do you come from?” he asked Gudo, who was still meditating.

“I am Gudo of Kyoto and I am going on to Edo,” replied the Zen master.

The man was utterly ashamed. He apologized profusely to the teacher of his Emperor.

Gudo smiled. “Everything in this life is impermanent,” he explained. “Life is very brief. If you keep on gambling and drinking, you will have no time left to accomplish anything else, and you will cause your family to suffer too.”

The perception of the husband awoke as if from a dream. “You are right,” he declared. “How can I ever repay you for this wonderful teaching! Let me see you off and carry your things a little way.”

“If you wish,” assented Gudo.

The two started out. After they had gone three miles Gudo told him to return. “Just another five miles,” he begged Gudo. They continued on.

“You may return now,” suggested Gudo.

“After another ten miles,” the man replied.

“Return now,” said Gudo, when the ten miles had been passed.

“I am going to follow you all the rest of my life,” declared the man.

Modern Zen teachings in Japan spring from the lineage of a famous master who was the successor of Gudo. His name was Mu-nan, the man who never turned back.

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View All 101 Zen Koans

team building

Team Building: Do You Guide or Direct?

How Do You Lead?

Unless you live in a cave by yourself, you will eventually be part of a team. You may even be leading a team in accomplishing some task or providing some service. When you do, will you be a guide or a director? Much depends on the team purpose.

Over the past 40 (gad!) years, I’ve had the pleasure (and pain, at times) of leading many teams. Hopefully mostly to victory. One thing I’ve discovered in that time is that using the same leadership style in all situations is potentially fatal to success. You must adapt your style to fit the team purpose, members, and environment.

Guiding A Team

So you have been tasked with managing a diverse group of individuals toward a goal. If you are also responsible for fulfilling their career growth, you should probably adopt the role of a guide, rather than a director. As a guide, you should focus more on building team knowledge and capacity and less on task completion. Achieving the goal is still a priority, but you take more time to walk your team through the process of achievement, highlighting the best methods to get to the goal.

  • Avoid the “do it myself” trap – let others take some of the slack
  • Teach, rather than dictate
  • Shadow and support, rather than be the frontman
  • Provide positive feedback continually – even if the person struggled
  • Use one-on-one coaching opportunities

The key here is to grow your group’s knowledge and confidence so that they are better moving forward.

Directing A Team

When the deadline is tight, or the task is critical to overall success, it is time to become the director. When you direct a team, it is crucial to keep tabs on what everyone is doing and when they need to do it. Start off by examing the tasks involved in achieving success. Starting with yourself, you assign these tasks to the person best suited to accomplish them. Make sure you do NOT overload yourself! Understand that you will need at least 20% of your time just to manage everyone else’s progress.

  • Maintain regular progress meetings
  • Focus on task achievement recognition, without being negative
  • Use tracking tools to monitor overall progress toward the goal
  • Keep everyone informed of status
  • Now is the time to be blunt if required

The key here is to get the job done, demonstrating to the group that there are times when they need to knuckle down and get after it.

Stay Nimble

By adapting your leadership style to fit varying demands, you can hit targets while furthering your team’s effectiveness. Ask yourself as you approach each new team or task, what leadership style do I need to bring to this?

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respect

Respect is The Key To Love

I tell my partner every day that I love her. That may sound old fashioned, but it makes me feel great to do it. We have been together for over 24 years. When people ask how we’ve managed to create that relationship, we point to one thing: respect. It isn’t as romantic to tell someone “I respect you” every day, but is critical that you feel that way.
 
Love is a word that gets bandied about too much. We use it on objects, food, outfits, whatever. What does NOT get bandied about is the word respect.
 
When someone says “I respect you” it forms the basis for an actual relationship. Respect is the glue that holds people together. People can fall in and out of love, and that love can vary in its intensity and depth as a relationship progresses. But respect for each other is far more binary in nature. It is either on or off.
 
Once you’ve lost respect for someone, it can be impossible to retrieve. And that can be the death knell of love. But if you can hold onto that respect, it can forge a bond deeper than anything else in your life.
 
We watch Seinfeld a LOT in our house. In one of our favorite Seinfeld episodes (The Engagement), Jerry and George decide that they need to grow up and form a mature relationship with someone. Jerry confides in Kramer about their thoughts:

Jerry: We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we’re kids. We’re not men.

Kramer: So, then you asked yourselves, “Isn’t there something more to life?”

Jerry: Yes. We did.

Kramer: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn’t.

Jerry: There isn’t?

Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry:? Marriage? Family?

Jerry: Well…

Kramer: They’re prisons. Man made prisons. You’re doing time. You get up in the morning. She’s there. You go to sleep at night. She’s there. It’s like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?

Jerry: Really?

Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you’re eating.

Jerry: I can?

Kramer: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it’s dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?

Jerry: What?

Kramer: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don’t know. How about you? How was your day?

Jerry: Boy.

Kramer: It’s sad , Jerry. It’s a sad state of affairs..

Jerry: I’m glad we had this talk.

Kramer: Oh, you have no idea!

It’s hysterical, and we actually quote it on a nearly daily basis as an inside joke. But it points to one of the most misunderstood parts of a great relationship: respectful communication.
 
When you respect another person, it is natural to want to get their point of view. In all my years of extensive (100,000 miles per year) travel, I made a rule out of speaking to her each night. We still make time each evening to have a conversation before bed. It can be about something as menial as what we’re doing the next day, or as important as where one of our girls is at in their life.
 
I value my wife’s ideas, desires, and feelings, as much as my own. Our relationship is based on building each other up. We create opportunities to support each other against what the world is throwing at us every day. And we do that by communicating with each other.
 
In business, my most important task was creating a strong team. That meant fostering an atmosphere of respect in the workplace and between team members. Central to that was the role of open communication, encouraging feedback, and making sure people respected each otherI like to think that team building was one of my strongest contributions to the success of my company, and it was all based on ensuring mutual respect. I’ll be writing about team building a lot in the future.
 
We may not always agree on a course of action, but we must respect each other’s contribution to the discussion.
 
When you think of ways to great strong bonds with people, make sure you take steps to ensure that the importance of mutual respect is never trivialized. It is critical to success in every part of your life.
 
And while I will still always tell my wife I love her every day, what I’m also saying is that I respect her.
 
Comments and thoughts are welcome, as always!

Zen and the Art of Learning

The art of learning is a key skill for any successful life. Zen teachings and stories can show us better ways of approaching that art. I became interested in Zen in the mid 90’s, after a journey of self-examination that resulted in deciding that we alone are responsible for our own fate. No supernatural, theistic, god-like interventions for me.
 
I read many books on the meaning and practice of Zen, building my own interpretation of how I would live. My favorite is Zen Flesh, Zen Bones that contains the original 101 Zen Stories, compiled in 1919.
 
A Cup of Tea is the first koan in the book, and sums up what I have come to believe is the most important lesson in life. We are burdened by the weight of our own history and opinions. Only by freeing ourselves from that weight can we be fulfilled

 

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!”

“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

How does this koan help us to be better at learning? Approaching new ideas free from “opinions and speculations” allows a person to absorb them more completely. This learning skill is a requirement for being able to adapt to rapidly changing situations in life and at work.

I have an ability to research, explore, and learn new things quickly. When researching things, I find it helpful to empty my mind of expectations, previous knowledge, and extraneous influences. This way I can quickly filter through multiple sources to find the nuggets of gold. I will then write my results down, making that learning more permanent.  

Finding A Cup of Tea and absorbing what it means was one of my most important life lessons. Learning how to learn is a key to success.

I’ve added a page to the site that contains the links to all of the 101 Zen Stories. Check it out!

My Selection Of Razors

Shaving, and other rituals

 I love shaving. There, I’ve said it.

I own 5 different razors, two brushes, assorted creams, gels and accessories. Some might call this egregious, but I call it perfect. Each of my four safety razors has a different aggressiveness, weight, and size. When I haven’t shaved for 7 days, I reach for the Feather: a marvel of japanese engineering. If I need a quick freshening, I’ll grab the Merkur. The Muhle is a daily driver. When I am in a huge hurry, I have a Gillette Fusion as a backup, but it rarely gets used. It doesn’t feel like I actually accomplished my perfect shave.

I also use different shaving creams, based on mood, facial hair length, or light level in the bathroom. I use a predefined set of strokes, always starting from the right side of my face. I then move left under the jaw, then finish up in front the mustache and chin area.

This is one of those rituals I love – it forces me to take time to do something right. No slap-dash approach to a daily chore for me. Shaving is an art, one that gives me a sort of inner peace.

Some of my other rituals are less glamourous, like the nose and ear hair trimming. I actually have a Groom Mate Platinum Nose Hair Trimmer. This sits comfortably in the back of the shaving drawer until needed. A few spins of the tiny appliance and things are tidied up nicely.

I handle finger and toenails as quickly and efficiently as possible. This is so non-glamorous, I usually hover over the toilet to catch the scraps.

We are all inner obsessive-compulsives in regard to some aspect of our lives. It must come with the lizard brain lurking behind us all. For my girl, its cleaning. It just makes her feel calm and complete. Shaving is the same for me.

You don’t need to travel great distances, or learn meditation techniques to find an inner calmness. You can get it from everyday life.